Noot noot, motherfuckers!
First off, I’d like to say that before you guys go bitching about all of the shit I’m about to spurt, remember that this isn’t personal. This is solely for my own personal catharsis, considering that I nearly went fucking postal during this game. Not because of some pre-existing mental condition or anything, but because of the rest of you pricks.
I’ll get the final 3 out of the way first, just so that I don’t go fucking psycho right off the bat.
We’ll start with Dallas. Honestly dude, you’re the person I’m probably voting for tonight. You kept it pretty solid; made quick moves, kept targets clear, had a reasonable set of allies, that sort of stuff. Like the other two people up here, you also spent a part of the game as one of the people with their lips firmly on the assholes of both Ash and CJ. Unlike these other two idiots, however, you actually managed to split from them successfully. While I’m not going to go and say you played the best game, you’re the least controversial here.
With that said, there’s literally no substance or story to your game. Dallas, who are you? Like I know CJ and Ash were ‘the masterminds’, Blaine was ‘the plus one’, I was ‘the minority voter’, etc. I don’t remember much, if any, of your vote at all. Might be my fault, might be yours. I don’t fucking know. So, my only personal questions to you are these:
1. Was there any move, successful or unsuccessful, that you made yourself?
2. What do you feel your overall overarching story was? Were you a villain, an underdog, a mastermind, etc.
Next up, Blainey boy! While you dumped my ass for that whore Charley, I won’t hold that against you… for now. What I WILL hold against you is the fact that you missed the big news: in order to win, you can’t spend your game firmly inside the assholes of Ash and CJ! (Damn, I’m mentioning those fuckers a lot this speech. Must mean something.)
Blaine, did you even do anything this season? Like not trying to be a bitchy ex but there’s nothing to put in front of you here. You laid low early on, we bonded together for the two votes where Marco went ax-crazy, then we went our separate ways; I spent the rest of my game scavenging to see if I could sneak in while you spent it eating shit.
WITH THAT SAID, like Dallas, I don’t have beef with you. But Dallas I feel consistently showed more effort, and considering that this is ALL STARS FUCK YEAH, that’s important. You also won 9 challenges, fucking kudos. In the end though, I think a lot of us were wondering: where the fuck did S4 Blaine go? So, here are my questions for you:
1. Did you realise that by signing yourself up for the Cash train that you were going to get 3rd place at best?
2. WHY DID YOU LEAVE MEEEEEEEEE
3. Do you believe you played a game worthy of the 7-0 vote you previously had?
4. How does it feel knowing that it’s virtually impossible for you to beat your placement?
And finally… Ella.
You’re not fucking getting my vote, let’s make that clear. I don’t respect your game in the SLIGHTEST, and frankly after hearing some of the shady shit you’ve done I’m questioning the respect I had for you as a person. The funny thing is, nobody else except like 2 people see what you did wrong. Hell, even Marish was on your fucking side in the end, and I’m pretty sure Marco’s going to have an aneurysm when he sees this bitchfest. Fact is, I DON’T CARE!
I don’t think you had a scrap of respect for anyone here, including your baa-baa sheep, Marco. You spent half of the game kissing the asses of literally everyone in order to have this so called great “social game”, while using the other half to slowly unravel the sanities of those who actually played fair. You actually did pretty well, for someone who got caught breaking the rules.
How about that first part of the HoH, Ella? The one you fucking cheated? The one that MARISH HIMSELF protected you from because “it was so late in the game”? Don’t try and deny it either, both Ash and I are aware of it and we have legitimate fucking proof of it too. You cheated there, and there’s a legitimate chance you cheated in the other two questioned challenges. Do you realise how fucking lucky you are? Had you been on my season, you would have been out on your ass just like Lucas and Sam nearly were.
So yeah, congrats on having to cheat in a season pretty much infamous for having only like 8 real players. You must feel REALLY fucking proud of yourself for making it to the final 3. I hope you realise that all respect that many of us had for you… done. Gone. And to be perfectly frank, I hope everyone else feels the same way after this too.
Ella, we’re fucking All-Stars for a reason. I get that S5 had all of their actually good players taken out for you and Marco, but you were still cast for a fucking reason. The fact that you cheated probably more than once and still have the audacity to sit up here and try to get our votes is disgusting. Yeah, I said it, disgusting. I put everything I had in here and it’s honestly disheartening to see that you couldn’t do the same.
This isn’t even mentioning the fact that you consistently lied without reason in-game. You also had a habit of trying to guilt trip everyone and ANYONE who put you in strife, which is someone I really just don’t respect. Ella, unless you manage to answer this question while riding a fucking Pegasus while simultaneously singing Spice Girls music, you’re not getting my vote. Even if Blaine and Dallas totally fuck their shit up.
I only want one thing from you: admit to cheating. You’re not going to lose or get points by saying yes or no; I just want the truth. Either admit to it, or give me some actual proof that isn’t just your word. I’m not going to fall for it, you can bet on that.
Before I get to the group questions, I have something I just need to get off my chest.
Jury, piss off. Seriously, this is the most fucking irritating group of people I’ve ever had to play with in nearly 3 years of playing. Absolutely NONE of you actually had balls to do anything; in fact, I could probably name 10 people in this cast who spent their time inserted in some actual player’s asshole and I’d probably be able to fit three more of them in. There shouldn’t be any bitterness or “You backstabbed me!” bullshit during this either, because you guys did this to yourselves. Like I said earlier, you were all sheep to people who actually played and just like I expected, the wrong people are in the final 3. It’s actually fucking PAINFUL for me to see that so many actually half-decent players like Lucky, Gavin and David had to go so early while literally all of the sheep made it this far.
So you know what, fuck you guys. If you’re not going to actually come into All-Stars and play, then you guys shouldn’t even fucking be here. Some of you were just generic sheep; doing absolutely nothing, clinging to those who tried, etc. Then there’s those who were special types of sheep; wilfully screwing others over to continue their sheeping ways. You don’t deserve to be a jury. Hell, you don’t even fucking deserve to be All-Stars.
And yes, maybe this is all a bunch of bitterness on my part. Let’s be real, of course it fucking is. But I worked my fucking ass off in here and literally nothing went right. Was it my fault? Maybe 5% of it. The rest of it was you guys consistently being pussies. I was literally the only person who had the balls to vote in the minority, and I was the person who fucking started the manhunt against CJ and Ash. So excuse me for being angry about you guys all sucking.
Now to shit on each of you personally!
I’ll start with our first juror, Ahad! Ahad, you fucking killed it this game. You kept your eyes open throughout everything and you were fully willing to go with my plan to flip on the majority. Had Sam not fucking put you up that week, we would probably be in the final 2 right now. You’re the only person in this jury, including myself, who kept any scrap of self-awareness. You sir, are a legend.
Who’s next? Oh god, it’s the power couple of the ages. Ash and CJ, you guys were fucking frustrating to play with. You guys had your fucking genitals touching for literally of the game; it felt like I was watching some sick Lars von Trier movie without the disembowelled foxes. Did either of you even attempt to make a move on your own? Like I get you guys were main allies/star-crossed ejaculators but ffs. Time and time again, you guys are the reason everyone else got consistently screwed. Fuck you.
Johnny, you abstained half of this season’s challenges, ‘nuff said.
Marco, how does it feel knowing that your queen cheated? Seriously though, don't kid yourself into thinking you and Ella were some sort of united, final 2 deal. Fact of the matter is, you were so far up her asshole than there's more shit on you than the entire cast of Human Centipede. What's even more fucking precious is you trying to imply in the jury chat that I didn't have the balls to "make a move". Funny thing is, had I had my way both weeks you put me up, your ass would have been pre-jury. It's not my fault that you managed to be THAT good a sheep. 0/10 game for you!
Brian, it’s one thing to be a fucking sheep. It’s another thing to be absolutely fucking irrelevant in the process. Ever noticed how 17 of us got a summary of our previous games on our profile pages? Yeah, guessed who missed out buddy? SS2 was a barrel scrape, I hope you like being irrelevant. Come on, even fucking Johnny and Marco had SOME visibility.
And finally…
Sam, I’m not going to play dumb and act like you’re a friend of mine. I think it’s pretty clear that you hate me; literally the only times you’ve ever been nice to be is during ORGs when we play together. Other than that, you are probably one of the most shallow, egotistical people I’ve had to talk to on this entire community. I don’t like you, I don’t think I ever WILL like you, and you are literally the reason the power players were the final 5. You had the chance to truly make a name for yourself and you threw that away; so congratulations, you are now the Master Sheep.
In short, you all suck.
So, final 3! Your main task is simple. I’ve done my roasting of the jury, IT’S YOUR TURN. The three of you must make a complete roast of every. single. juror. Including myself. Ella, you need to be extra harsh on Marco if you want to be kept in contention. Bonus points if you roast the pre-jury too.
You also have NINE other tasks to complete. Great news too, none of these are flash games! Looks like Ella’s gonna have to do these… LEGITIMATELY. *legasp*
1. Compare all 18 players to their dick sizes (in inches): 0.01, 0.1, 0.2, 0.4, 0.5, 0.7, 0.8, 0.9, 1, 1.2, 1.5, 1.8, 2, 2.5, 3.2, -9, -11 and -9001. I’ll give you a clue: the -9001 incher is CJ. Isn’t that tasty, Ash?
2. Get two people from outside of the game to PM me and say you should win. They cannot be any of the 18 players or Marish.
3. Make me a super sexy mangatar that exuberates my brilliance. ;D
4. Listen to the song Siberian Breaks by MGMT in its full glory. Analyse the lyrics and talk about whose story you think it matches.
5. Talk about your wildest sexual adventures in the house.
6. Because Drag Grace day has passed, let’s have a late celebration. Roast Grace too!
7. Answer the time-old question: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?
8. Measure the diameter of everyone’s asshole, based on the amount of heads everyone shoved inside them.
9. Rank all of the players 1-18 on how much shit they ate and how little they did. WITH REASONING.
And of course, an extra, special one…
10. Go fuck yourselves.
MAN, I FEEL SOOOOOO MUCH BETTER GETTING THAT OFF MY CHEST!
One more thing before I sign off. I know I’ve probably burned a LOT of friendships and bridges with this jury speech, so I actually really do hope you guys understand that this is nothing personal. I’m not calling you guys shit, I’m calling your in-game personas shit. Still though, go fuck yourselves.
Toodles!
TL;DR: Fuck you.